Update..

Well still we have no news yet about Eric's possible Graft Vs. Host on his legs... we are not suppose to have the results until 1/7/10 (next week). This week has been a little better than last week, Eric has felt a little better I think due to he has slowed down and been able to take naps in the days again. He really needs those to get through the day.

His home health nurse came and did his labs today... his creatinine has done better from alot of fluids and doing the IV treatments each day for 6 hours- it went down to 1.6. Alot better they would like it no more than 1.5. His white cells are doing ok hanging in there at 3.1 and his absolute neutrophils at 2.10 border line there. His red cells are pretty good at 3.24, hemoglobin 11.5 those are good. He has not needed a blood transfusion or platelet for a while- YAY!!!

His platelets are good they went up finally on their own up to 61 which is wonderful since those have been scaring us and were in the 30's again. They thought that chemo he had to do Rutuxian for the EBV virus threw those and his white cells off. All in all a pretty good week so far, we will take it! Eric has been able to rest alot, just having the Christmas holidays home with his family visiting him at home. We are so grateful to be home and have Eric responding right now, we are blessed and thankful for his donor- we can not wait to meet him!!

News Year's is coming up and I really have to say I am looking forward to a New Year! I hope this year is filled with good things, more time with Eric and our family, less health concerns and more blessings! I hope this year brings better things then the past 2 years!

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas!! It has been such an amazing day, one of thankfulness and reflections of all that we have been blessed with and so many wonderful people whom have been so supportive to us during this trial of ours. The best Christmas present we could have - well we do have, Eric home with us!

He has been very tired but doing okay- the last few weeks have been difficult but we are so thankful for our miracles and blessings! Eric has came so far and there was a time when we thought he might not even make it home by Christmas. We are so grateful to the Lord that Eric is still so far responding to his bone marrow transplant, still 99% grafted with his donors cells. We have had a recent scare which we are awaiting the test results - that is part of the reason I have not been able to update the blog the last few days we have been at the doctors so much. We noticed on Tuesday night possible Graft Vs. Host Disease (a rash) on front of both his lower legs. It kind of looks like a raised bump, red, sore to touch, itches a little- it kind of looks like the chicken poxs. We went into this doctors yesterday morning at 9am and we were there until 2pm due to this recent concern, so he immediately sent us over to have some of it cut off Eric's leg to get a biopsy and see if it is Graft Vs. Host Disease. We will not get the results until 1/7/10.

Meanwhile the doctor has started him on medication and steroids for this to try to get a hold of it while we wait for the results. Eric came home yesterday as you can imagine extremely tired from the long ordeal at the hospital as well as we had to do his IV treatment. It is hard to stay focused when every time we turn around and go in there seems to be another hurdle or obstacle in the way but we know the Lord is aware of our struggles and continues to guide us and give us strength.

I want to thank all of you for all of your continued love and support. It has been so amazing to me how much in tune with the Lord you are, how much the Lord touches our hearts and uses us as a tool for compassion, love and support. We have felt that from so many of you and I want you all to know how thankful I am for all of you! Please know there is not a moment, a second that goes by that I do not thank the Lord and thank him for all of you and for the continued love and support!

We have so much to be thankful for, so many blessings! I am so thankful also for Eric's donor again I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude! He has given the greatest gift to us, the gift of life- Eric's life. In the December Ensign there was a quote by President Spencer W. Kimball " God does notice us, and he watches over us, But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other in the kingdom." We have felt this is so many ways and so many occasions. May God Bless Us all not just this time of the year and during the Christmas season but may we all remember this feeling of Christ and his birth and keep it in our hearts all year long.

Day 100 from Transplant!!

Today is day 100 from Eric's bone marrow transplant!! WOW- it has been a long road so far and we are about half way up the hill but grateful to be home before Christmas! Eric has had kinda of hard week this week, his home nurse was only suppose to come in 3 days a week and then we go into his Oncologist doctors once a week. However Eric's white cells having been dropping quite a bit as well as his Creatinine level very high so they had to come all through the weekend starting last Friday to give him IV fluids and treatments here at home as well as Nuepogen shots in his stomach.

His white cells went down to 2.2 which from shots all through the weekend each day by Monday he went up to 5.5 but then Tuesday back down to 2.6 so daily the nurses have came to give shots and IV fluids due to his Creatinine is 1.7. They do not like your creatinine to be more than 1.3 this affects your kidneys and cause alot of concern. I have posted a picture of Eric doing one of his daily IV treatments here at home with the new best friend again " THE IV POLE". He hates being confined to this pole, it takes about 5 to 6 hours to do his IV treatments here at home.

Eric's energy has not been very well this week but I think he has tried to be more awake and not allowing himself to rest and take naps enough so that could be some of the difference as well as his blood counts being low and these Nuepogen shots in his stomach. To give you some perspective just one on these shots he gets a day in his stomach costs $ 1,200.00!! Can you believe that? It amazes me the costs and sometimes seems not right.

We are trying to get ready for Christmas but I have been working so much this week and between that as well as caring for Eric, trying to get some of the Christmas decorations up- we are not even there yet. I get up at 5am get the kids out the door, feed Eric breakfast and his pills, update my work logs then out the door for the day. Usually getting home around 5:30pm-7pm at night and somehow do not get to bed until around 12 midnight due to Eric's IV treatments that start at 6pm each night. Alot going on, it's a busy place at our home right now but at least we are home, right?

I am so proud of Eric he has had a hard long week an half, I know he gets tired easily but he is doing good. I am so grateful to the Lord for him, for my many blessings, for Eric and his donor, my children, my warm home, food on the table, just a chance to be all under one roof and be a family again!

Twas the week before Christmas...

Twas the week before Christmas and all the through the house
I finally hung up the stockings, set up the tree and placed the Nutcrackers out
It seemed like a task one that seemed not so fun
However this Christmas is such a special one

Although we just came home from the journey of our life
So much still to do and worry about at night
The real meaning of Christmas is so much more clear
Christ and his birth, the blessings we share, Eric alive and anonymous donor this year

So without much more delay, I have placed all the decorations up
Hoping we can make it a Christmas to remember with a special touch
I know it will be as we are now under one roof

Soon all the children will be nestled in bed
Dreaming of Santa and what he will bring
However we have already had our Christmas presents complete
The blessings the Lord has provided, our family
Oh what a treat

Please forgive me a writer I am not
Just a Wife and Mom who is grateful for her blessings
What Santa has already brought
A Christmas to remember, my family all under one roof
So sugar plums will not be what dances through my head this year
Rather a grateful heart, a blessing that Eric is here!

I am not a writer so to those of you whom are I apologize! As you can tell I finally set up all the Christmas decorations and tree. Not all my decorations but most of it. I now know why Eric would tell me every year, stop buying more decorations, there is SO MUCH TO SET UP! He was right, without his help I quickly realized that! I feel bad that I was struggling a little bit last week and not wanting to set up anything. I think I was just tried, the thought that the last hardest 5 months I think we have had to do as a family being for nothing and having to go back down and do it all over again seemed so overwhelming.

I am grateful that the pathologist was wrong and the DNA tests confirmed Eric is still 99 % grafted with his donors cells. The reality of it is that the next 2 to 3 years will be like this, ups and downs, agonizing over tests results and the fear that he will reject his donor. I do know however that the Lord has and will continue to bless us through out the remainder of our journey.

This Christmas we are not able to do much but at least we are home with Eric responding. All under one roof, a family again- the best Christmas present anyone could get! We realize we have received the most precious and amazing gift already for Christmas that money can not buy. Eric's donor whom saved his life, gave up his bone marrow to a complete stranger, unconditional love. Donor you are amazing and we are so grateful and blessed, thank you for saving my husbands life! We can not wait to meet you but please know that you are in our thoughts every second of the day, you are amazing and the gift of life you gave is a overwhelming thing! Please go to this beautiful and amazing video as a reminder Do you have room for the Savior? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vStl9PXWtiw It is such a beautiful video with such a wonderful reminder of the reason we celebrate Christmas. I love this video! (Thanks Colleen! :)

CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!! What a BLESSING!

We received an early Christmas present and CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!! Eric's doctors called and the DNA tests results came back- ERIC IS STILL 99% GRAFTED WITH HIS DONOR"S MARROW!!!!!!!!!! I can not put into words the feeling we feel right now, such a blessing from the Lord, such a relief! We all started crying so hard! Eric started crying and said "I have been praying so hard and knew the Lord would continue to bless us and help us with whatever the news was, now we can enjoy Christmas and being home as a family!" He is right!!

Chelsea and Austin both were not home yet. Chelsea called to tell us she was on her way home from decorating for the Christmas Dance at her school when we told her on the phone- she started crying so so hard and said Daddy I am so happy! Then we picked up Austin in the car and told him and he yelled " YESSSSSSS!! I knew Heavenly Father would help us more!" It is amazing the roller coaster we have and continue to be on, we know the Lord has his plan and we just need to try the best we can to embrace it! We realize that our journey will continue with ups and downs but pray for strength and peace as we fight to keep Eric with us.

Our good friend Jodie Clark reminded us that going through this week and the horrible news that hit us not even a day into being home will be another blessing and reminder of how blessed we are, how much our Father in Heaven loves us and that we are going to continue to be so grateful, so grateful for where we are as to where we have been and what can change in a matter of a moment!

I feel so bad for breaking down this week, I never wanted anyone to think that I am not grateful and that I don't have faith. I do have so much faith in the Lord, I know with him all things are possible! I think I just was so tried from the late flight no sleep, caring for Eric and working and then the bad news that hit- it was just all to much at once! I remember thinking " Please Lord we just got home, please we are just starting to try to be a family again! "Doubt not, fear not" That ran through my mind all week long as I tired to fight off the fear of the unknown. We have been blessed so much and I am eternally grateful to the Lord!

Eric talked to me last night and told me I am to hard on myself and that I have not broke down once, I have been positive this whole way through- his strength and that I deserve to break down and cry for a few days. I needed to let it out so I can process the news and come to grips with it and then get back on the positive path we were on! I love and appreciate him so much and I am honored to be his eternal companion and take care of him! He is an amazing man with such courage and strength- I have always known that! Our good friends the Clements and Eric convinced me that we need to out up the Christmas tree and decorate so they are so wonderful they insisted and are coming over today to help me put the tree up- thank you guys! I am so grateful for your love and support, encouragement we are so blessed to have so many of you whom love and care for us!

I want to bear my testimony that the gospel is our truest foundation, the Lord and the blessings that we can receive if we follow his example and the teachings of our scriptures and prophet are what will bring us peace and happiness in our lives. The tender mercies of the Lord whom wants to comfort us when we are in our darkest moments are such an amazing and powerful blessing! I am sooo grateful to the Lord for giving me these trials as hard as they have been to help me grow and learn and become closer to him. I am grateful for the promised blessings that we have and the honor to be trusted and blessed to be Eric's eternal companion and by his side every step of the way. I am grateful for the Lord entrusting me with my two wonderful children whom it is my greatest responsibility to teach them, love them and make sure they know of our Father in Heaven's blessings and I honor that and know with him all things are possible. I am so thankful for the scriptures and the power of prayer, for the Lord giving me the strength and courage to get through this and I will strive every day to be what he wants to be.

Waiting for you, Praying for you..Please come home

It has been a very hard past few days. We had Chelsea's surprise 16th Birthday Party and that was alot of work to pull off but it was good. It was bitter sweet and was very hard to get through. Chelsea and her Dad crying, I was crying alot of feelings and worry kept surrounding us that maybe this was the last Birthday Eric would be at. You try not to think that way but with emotions running so high, the recent news it has been hard to be focused.

I wanted to share something that Chelsea gave her Dad. I wish I could put the actual song on for you to hear it in person. It is so beautiful and sad all at the same time. She gave her Dad this song and told us that she listens to it alot and before she knew we would be coming home before Christmas she was going to send this song down to Texas to him. When Eric and I heard it we all just started crying so hard, it really seems to fit us and how we feel right now. Here are the words:

A photograph, a blanket, some mistletoe, confetti snow
An Angel to put on a tree
Santa Clause in crayon to make you smile today-
While your so far away

So I'm sending you a little Christmas wrapped up with love
A little piece, a little light to remind you of
I'm waiting for you, praying for you Daddy
I wanted you to see
So I'm sending you a little Christmas until you come home to me.

Some gingerbread, a candy cane, a stocking I made with your name on it
I filled it with your favorite things
A way to say I love you
Like Kisses through the air
Hoping you'll feel me there

So I'm sending you a little Christmas wrapped up with love
A little piece, a little light to remind you of
I'm waiting for you, praying for you Daddy
I wanted you to see
So I'm sending you a little Christmas until you come home to me.

Home into these arms of mine
Home where you belong
Please Daddy Come Home to me

It is hard to see her so upset and longing for it all to be ok. I think this is the hardest part for me, not only do I have to watch the man I love suffer but also my two children. I have to sit and watch and I can not fix it for any of them. I want to be strong, I am trying to be strong but some days are harder than others. I worry "What if ?" " How will we do it?"
I usually love the holidays and Christmas is my favorite usually.
I love to decorate but I have not desire to do it this year.

If you look at my home there is no Christmas lights on, no decorations on the porch, no tree
Nothing I just don't feel like it's the Holidays, I don't even have the energy to do it.
I think a part of me is afraid, afraid if I put up the tree, put up all the decorations
What if this is our last Christmas together, almost as if I can stop Christmas from coming but I know I can't.

I know some of you are all probably saying right now, what is wrong with her?
She needs to be positive, she needs to have faith. I do have faith and I am positive but sometimes you just need to be able to vent how you feel, forget about being strong for everyone and just be selfish for a brief moment and try to embrace and process what you feel inside without worrying about being strong for Eric, strong for the kids. I just need to fall apart for a few days and I will pull it all back together, I am just so tired of being the one who needs to be strong.
I have had to be the Mom, Be the Dad, work and try to pay some of the mounting medical bills, clean the house, care for Eric and on top of all that pretend that it's all okay.
I was told "If you guys need to do the transplant again, that is what you will do. You guys will just dig deep and do it!"

I feel like we have dug deep, deeper than we have ever dug before. I feel like we have reached farther than we have ever done, had walked the path that seemed to be laid down before us with unknown faith, that faith of a mustard seed. I know the Lord is guiding us and will provide us strength but I think I guess I am just tired. Listen to me, I think I am tired. What about Eric, how tired do you think he is? Selfish moment, selfish thought. I think I will get to sleep now I have a long day tomorrow.

Horrible News- PLEASE PRAY FOR US!

I can not believe we have not even been home for a day and we received some horrible news. It is with a very heavy, heavy heart that I regret to inform everyone that we just received a phone call from Eric's Doctors at MD Anderson, they received Eric's 90 day mark bone marrow tests results back and he his cancer has relapsed, his cancer is back! I can not believe this is happening- not again, not so soon.

They say that the pathologist is reading that Eric's transplant didn't work and he has relapsed, that his cancer is back. They said that we need to probably do another bone marrow transplant using a different donor. I am so overwhelmed right now, crying pleading to the Lord Why, Why again?

I am begging, pleading with all of you to please pray for Eric, please pray that they are wrong. The board of doctors reviewed the results and talked with the pathologist and they said our only hope is to hope and pray that maybe the EBV virus Eric had and the Rutuxian chemo has thrown some things off, they sent for more extensive tests results rushed that will tell us if in fact the donor cells are not working in Eric anymore and confirm if he has for sure relapsed and if we need to fly back and do another bone marrow transplant. Even though they rushed those tests unfortunately his doctors said that it will take about a week before we have those results. So for now we are to stay home and wait for the results in a week. Please, please Lord don't let this be happening again, please we just got home. Please pray for Eric, please everyone pray and fast this week. I pray the Lord's plan will be what I so desperately want for our family! I don't want to have to tell the kids, I don't know if we are strong enough to do this all over again- we just got home.

It's Chelsea's 16th birthday tomorrow - how do we tell her this and try to celebrate her birthday, how could she possibly have a good birthday now. We tried this whole time to just get her Daddy home for her birthday....please pray for us- we need it!

Coming HOME!!!!

YEAHH!! We are coming home!! We fly home tomorrow night, we are so excited! We have to leave to the hospital MD Anderson at 6am and we will be there all day for them to do Eric's IV fluids and treatment, give Eric a blood transfusion to help him for the flight home. We then will finish up around 5pm and will be leaving from there straight to the Airport.

Bitter sweet as we are so excited to go home and be with our kids and back in our home but also sad to leave all our wonderful friends we have made here in Texas , a little scared for the future. I want all the Baybrook Ward members to know how much we love and appreciate ALL of you! Your friendships, emails and words of encouragement, prayers on our behalf and fasting, bringing in the sacrament to Eric, rides to and from the hospital, help with air miles/ buddy passes to fly the kids down, love and support. We are in awe of your unconditional love and we are so grateful. Please know you and what you have done for us will NEVER be forgotten! What true examples of a "WARD FAMILY" and what the Lord wants us to do to our fellow men.

Matt and Jodie Clark and the Clark family WE LOVE YOU! You wrapped your arms around us from the start as if we are family and never looked back! We love you and appreciate ALL YOU DID FOR US! Your love, support and generosity was so amazing and we will never be able to thank you enough! You have become part of our hearts and we will always have you there and hope to continue our wonderful friendship! You said it best when you Jodie as a bone marrow transplant survivor yourself said that you know exactly what we are going through, how hard it is, how difficult the process can be and know what we need before we ourselves knew and for that we are grateful!

To Eric's mom Joleen who sacrificed the last 4 months of her life, putting her own life on hold and moving in our home with the kids and caring for them- THANK YOU! We love you so much and as you said "that is what family is suppose to do, this is what family does when you are fighting for your life!" You are right and we will be eternally grateful for all of your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SUPPORT! You are amazing and we will always be so grateful! We tried to make this trial and journey to have the least impact and hardship on our kids Chelsea and Austin. It was so important for us to be able to leave them in the best care possible, to give them the most normalcy we could give them - with the hope that they would not be affected as much. It meant so much to know we could focus on what we needed to Eric's health and saving his life without having to worry about the kids and if they were being cared for and safe. You a true example of a mother's true love for their children, a mother who would do anything at all costs to help their child in a time of need. WE LOVE YOU!

As we all know the next 2-3 years will be a long process and we are not our of the woods yet! We have faith and know that with the Lord we will continue to get through this, we know of his love and we will finish this journey! The Lord has blessed us so much, given us so much to be thankful for and we recognize his hand in all things! We are so grateful for Eric's donor as well and can not wait to meet him and show our gratitude. We will be back to Texas soon, we have to fly down every three months for on going follow up care along with Huntsman and Eric's doctor's at home Utah Cancer Specialists daily appointments. We can not wait to be HOME!

Na Na Na Na..Hey, Hey , Hey Your're Going Home!

Na Na Na Na...Na Na Na Na Hey, Hey Hey Goodbye... Na Na Na Na Hey, Hey, Hey You're Going Home! That is the goodbye song that Eric had sung for him from the nurses as they clapped and cheered while they put his graduating 100 days post bone marrow transplant ribbon on!( I'm putting pictures on of the nurses singing and cheering for Eric) It was the prettiest SONG I think I have ever heard in a long time! Those words have never meant so much! I can not believe it we are here but yet today we had a hard reality reminder that this is really just the beginning of a long journey.. as we were told today in Eric's last survivor ship discharge class the hard part of the transplant although tough was not the biggest hurdle, the next 2 to 3 years will be the most crucial and defining on if your transplant was a success.

As we sat in the class, there were 3 other bone marrow transplant survivors with their caregivers (wife's) learning about all the restrictions and new life we will have to lead in order to survive our transplants. It was so overwhelming, the doctor warned us the day before that this class would be overwhelming and some what scary to hear what we will experience and have to face over the next crucial 2-3 years but I do not think I could have been prepared for all of it. I find myself feeling a little uneasy, scared to bring Eric home now. I almost wanted to say maybe we are not ready to go home, maybe we need to stay here in this sterile and clean world with all the medical team surrounding us. I thought just getting the house ready and Eric's environment was our big obstacle but really it is so much more.

First off Eric's food all has to be cooked at a certain temperature, even his deli meat for example for just a sandwich has to be cooked. He can not eat certain things, no soft skin fruits or veggies, no crowds or groups, no church, needs to wear a mask at all times, always needs to wear sunscreen all over his body all year long, the days up at Bear Lake short sleeve shirt sitting on the boat and beach are gone- LONG SLEEVE SHIRTS AT ALL TIMES- FOREVER! No digging in dirt, no yard work, no mowing lawn for at least 2 years. No vacuuming or being near the vacuum when on, no dusting or even being in the room when someone is dusting. Can not be near standing water, no plants or flowers in doors, no real Christmas trees. We have to get Eric a medical ID braclet that he will wear at ALL times saying that he is a bone marrow transplant survivor and that he needs special care, listing his transplant date, blood type and restricitions.

From the chemo and transplant Eric is at high risk from the sun to develop and activate Graft Vs. Host or skin cancer so this is extremely important. Eric has this whole time not been allowed to wear his contacts and had to wear his glasses due to the high risk of infections, he will not be able to wear his contacts for at least 6-8 more months until he is off some of the immune suppressed anti rejection drugs. Then they explained to us the that 80% of transplant patients develop shingles and that 60 % of transplant patients develop Graft Vs. Host as some point. You are at the most risk for this the first 2-3 years after your transplant and the especially crucial time is 2-3 months period when they start to slowly take you off some of you immune suppressed anti rejection drugs- that is as they called it " a really scary time". This will be in about 6-8 months from now.

The list goes on and on and as Eric and another survivor in the class said " So we pretty much we are bubble boys- we can't live life." So many restrictions, so much more to worry about. It is very overwhelming and I think a bit disappointing considering he has been couped up and already so isolated and restricted. This is going to be so hard. I am posting a picture of one of Eric's good friends he met here who also is going through his bone marrow transplant. We bonded so much with him and his mom, when we wouldn't see him we would worry that he was back in the hospital. His name is Patrick from Orlando, FL he is 38 years old with the exact same rare cancer as Eric MDS/ Myleodisplastia. He is not married and has no children, he has been dealing with his cancer since 2007. This is his second bone marrow transplant- the 1st one did not take and he developed Graft Vs. Host in his gut which almost killed him. He first had Lymphoma which he did the 1st bone marrow transplant for then it turned into MDS what Eric has and now the second transplant.

As Patrick said "It's going to be hard Eric not to see you anymore, everyday here- I am going to miss you guys!" We will miss him to but we will keep in touch and will be praying for him also. Patrick was set to go home a week after us on 12/17/09 however on Thanksgiving was hospitalized with Graft Vs. Host in his intestines now, they are treating him now with drugs that so far he is responding to. You see this is the life we live and will continue to live. Much like the past 7 years we have been living in fear, worried from day to day what each blood test would show next, worried if anything would work for Eric. It looks like the next few years will continue to be more of the same.

I am sorry if I sound a little negative but I just think today it has been a really hard day. It's hard after all this we have been through, after all the dark days and fighting to stay alive and you hear someone tell you that the fight has really just started and that you are not out of the woods. Despite all of that I know the Lord is there for us and has a plan, I know that with our continued faith that we will get through it. Even with bumps in the road and set backs we all have a purpose, gods plan. It may not be the cure we want but it is what God has in store for us. We all must face our trials and fears with faith and find joy in the journey as hard as that is.

Alot of questions...Are we suppose to go home? Is Eric really ready? Will it be okay? Will the doctors at home be able to always be prepared and looking out for everything they need to? Will they be able to catch things early? I just keep thinking about all the things we have to worry about and it seems so much...I guess this is just a worry thing, I will get over this right? I will close my eyes, get down on my knees and pray to the Lord again for more strength...more help to just get to the next step... more strength to endure what he has in store for us. I know he is there for us, all of us and the power of prayer is an amazing and humbling thing. I pray for his love and strength, I pray that Eric's body will continue to respond and that we will have the comfort we need to get through the rest of our journey.

On The Launch Pad...

We are on the launch pad as Eric's doctors told us today! They are talking about we are actually getting all prepared to come home on Monday 12/7/09!!! Can you believe it- somebody pinch me! I can not begin to tell you how excited we are to come home, to be with our kids again as a family and be HOME! Those words have never sounded so sweet!

We are so blessed from the Lord that Eric is responding to his treatments and his bone marrow transplant. So grateful for his donor and the chance at more time with Eric and us as a family!
So many things we have missed, so many memories, alot has changed for us. Some good and some bad but we are so grateful to be able to bring Eric home! The kids are so excited! We have so much to do though, it has been a bit overwhelming!

We have been doing extra tests, CT scans, Xrays, bone marrow biopsy. We have discharge home classes we have been attending all week to prepare for coming home. I have to get the house deep cleaned, carpets cleaned, blinds and drapes washed, filters changed in the home, all the air ducts cleaned, every inch of the home has to be sanitized and deep cleaned! WOW!! Then there is Chelsea's 16th Birthday a day after we get home, and CHRISTMAS!!! We won't have much of a Christmas but that is OK- it will be CHRISTMAS ENOUGH just to be HOME AS A FAMILY and to have ERIC DOING GOOD!

I feel bad, Christmas is my favorite holiday! I love to decorate as many of you know but especially for Christmas it is SO MUCH FUN! I usually by Thanksgiving have inside and out all decorated with fun lights, trees, decorations but this year obviously I will get back and not have anything up and decorated. I feel bad for the kids and Eric that it won't feel like Christmas at our home this year since I have nothing up and probably won't have time to get it up for just 2 weeks until Christmas. Hopefully they understand but I just can't find the time to do it! I am sure they will be just happy to have Dad home!

It is really weird it doesn't even feel like the Holidays at all to me, I think I have just lost track of time, lost my days and holidays since our life has been on hold with Eric's cancer and his bone marrow transplant. I feel like it still should be summer since we started all this in the summer and have not had a chance to look back.

I can not believe our Chelsea will be 16 years old next week. I feel like it was just yesterday she was 5 years old! They really do grow up so fast! Eric and I were talking about how a few months ago we were not even sure he would be here to see her turn 16. We are so grateful!!! My love and gratitude is so much to the Lord for allowing Eric to be able to have found a donor, recovering and responding to treatment. He is such a miracle, such an inspiration to me and a constant reminder of what courage is. Anytime I feel hopeless I look at him and know that everything will be alright! Our journey is not complete but we are on our way to the next phase and I pray and hope for continued strength and faith. I know the Lord loves us and we will strive to be who he wants us to be and do good in the world.

Soon we will be coming HOME!!!! :) We can not wait to hear those doctors and nurses sing " YOUR GOING HOME!"

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Today is one of my favorite holidays! Every year, every day we always have so much to be so thankful for, so many blessings! This year however our hearts are so full with love and gratitude. We are so thankful to the Lord for blessing us with more time with Eric, so thankful for Eric's donor and unconditional love from him to save his life and not even know us or have ever meet us. Thankful for the Lord and the many blessings he has given us, thankful for all of you guys whom have given us love, support! We have truly been blessed and we are so thankful!

Matt Clark was nice to take all the kids down to Kema on the boardwalk by the ocean where there are rides and stuff to have fun for the day while Eric and I were at the hospital for the daily routine. We stopped by for the last hour of the kids having fun there at Kema to get some pictures and see them having fun! It was great and such a beautiful place right by the Ocean!

I hope there is not a person out there that doesn't know how much we love and appreciate you for all you have done for us, our family! We have had so many blessings, so many miracles big and small and we are so humble and know the Lord has directed and guided it all! I am so thankful Eric is responding and doing well from his bone marrow transplant, thankful that we are able to all spend the Thanksgiving Holiday together as a family and have the kids here, thankful for the Clark family and our wonderful love and friendship we have developed, thankful they have invited to us to be with them for the Holiday.

I could go on and on and I am sure it still would not be enough! Most of all though I am so thankful to the Lord for allowing us more time with Eric, for blessings us through this trial. This has been the hardest thing we have had to do and I am so thankful that we have known the peace and comfort from the Lord and known the promised eternal blessings we have. In the Old Testament Psalms 92 " It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto thy name, O most High"

Good news...

Today is day 76 from Eric's bone marrow transplant. He is doing pretty good, he is getting chemo again today so a long day. Usually Eric will not feel well for the next few days after chemo but then starts to feel better. We are excited the kids are coming today for Thanksgiving break and we can not wait! :) They will be here all week coming home next Monday so it will be nice for them to see Eric feeling better than when they were down in September. He was doing pretty bad then and they commented on how weak and tired he looked so I am glad he is a little better now.

I am posting another picture of Eric, he is looking pretty good. A little stronger and he has been able to gain a little bit of weight back. About 7 pounds which is good. Eating still about 2 small meals a day not much of an appetite but better. Drinking alot of water, they need him to flush his kidneys good so he really tries to have at least 4 liters a day.

We have some really exciting news that we have known for a little bit but we didn't want to jinx anything so we really tried to not get our hopes up to much but the doctors have given us permission to book our flights home for 12/7/09!!! YEAAAAHH! That is 2 days before Chelsea's 16th Birthday which we have been trying to get home by all along. Now the doctors have stressed that this is just a target date but if anything happens, any set backs we will not be able to leave so we have to really be on pins and needles until that actual date. I pray Eric will continue to improve and that we do get to come home on 12/7/09.

I am so thankful to the Lord for all the blessings we have and will always be so grateful for all our blessings! I know that this journey we are on is his plan and that we are being directed, guided and protected. I am very thankful to Eric's donor and his family for the unconditional love he has and look forward to the day we can meet him! I have such mixed emotions this week with the Thanksgiving Holiday. I am so grateful we can be together as a family and that we have Eric with us doing well and responding to his bone marrow transplant but I am also a little sad that we are not home for the holiday and spending Thanksgiving at home. We are so grateful to our friends the Clark Family for their love and support, we will be spending Thanksgiving with them and we are so excited!

Day 72 from bone marrow transplant...

Sorry it has been a little longer than I wanted. It has been a very busy week! Today is day 72 from Eric's bone marrow transplant! He has been a little tired, going in for chemo always knocks him back down a few days and then by the weekend he starts to feel better. Just in time to get chemo again on Tuesday, but we are grateful he is still responding.

Eric's blood counts are 4.4 on his white cells, hemoglobin 9.8, red cells 3.00 and platelets 32. We are a little concerned cause his platelets are still dropping and that was why we started this chemo to get this EBV virus he has in his B cells and help his platelets. They feel that was why his platelets are dropping is a direct result from the virus. We are waiting for his doctors to come in and we can see what they feel and if this is something we should be worried still about or expected at this point with the chemo.

They have scheduled Eric for another bone marrow biopsy, maybe that will tell us more. We continue on this journey knowing we have alot of blessings and the Lord guiding us along the way. We are so grateful to Lord, grateful for Eric's donor and hope that we will someday be able to meet him and express how much we love and appreciate him.

We are getting excited for the kids to come on Tuesday for the week of Thanksgiving and I can not wait for them to see their Dad more like himself. Tired but still the old Eric not sleeping, in pain and sick on morphine like the last time they were here. It will definitely be a Thanksgiving Holiday to remember and reflect on our blessings and all the Lord has given us.

17 Years!!!

Today is our wedding anniversary. Eric and I have been married for 17 years! I can't wait to get to 50 years! We have had alot packed into our 17 years some of which has been a little unbelievable. Most people get through life without cancer and we have had 2 runs with cancer. We have had Eric's cancer and health problems since June 19,2002. I can not believe how long we really have been dealing with it! We did have a few breaks in between- Eric was in remission from May 2003 to March 2006 but since then we have been on the roller coaster again!

I really am married to the MOST AMAZING MAN in the world! He is strong, a fighter and he is always so happy and positive! That has always been a wonderful trait of Eric's is his sense of humor, happy all the time, always the positive person. I think that is what helps him so much to fight his cancer and get through this bone marrow transplant! I know that his positive outlook on life and love for everyone and everything is definitely what has helped him. I remember when Eric was first diagnosed they placed him on hospice and told us to prepare for his death. That was 7 years ago, he is still fighting to stay alive, still showing such strength and courage. I am so grateful to the Lord for placing Eric in my life, for him to be my eternal companion and most of all the father of my children. I could not ask for a better husband and father to our kids!

Really I am so lucky and know that I do not deserve such a great man. He is what keeps me going, I strive to be more like him everyday. Eric was telling the nurse yesterday that he could not be in my place, taking care of everything and him, working, being the Mom and Dad right now and caring for him. I laughed and said that I don't know how he says that cause it is me whom looks at him with such admiration, such respect for how strong he is and how much of a fighter he is! He is amazing and I am honored to be apart of his life, we all are so much better because of him. The nurse agreed with me and said "Somehow I am sure she feels the other way and thinks she could not be doing what you are doing and going through fighting for your life!"

I know I probably sound like a broken record but I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for all the blessings he has and continues to give me and my family. I have such a strong testimony of him and the plan he has for us. I know that he is mindful of our trials and journeys and wants us to be happy and it is with him and only him that we will be. I pray each day for continued strength, growth and love that I may do what he wants me to do. I know I have a LONG WAY to go but I am trying to be more like he wants me to be. All I can think of is if I only had a few wishes what would they be. I would wish that Eric could be cured and happy, healthy again and that he and my two children always stay close to the Lord and do good in the world. I hope the Lord continues to bless us and that we will be able to come home soon and be a family again!

I can't believe I am saying this but I want to come home and all I do is be a MOM, clean the house, make meals, run the kids around, work, spend time as a family! I miss the NORMAL LIFE and at times wonder if we will ever get it back. I wonder if this is our new NORMAL LIFE or just a temporary one and that we will get back what we loved. I know we will if we have faith and do what the Lord has asked us to do. I feel like this last 5 months have been the hardest months of my life and I have really had to get to the depths of the darkness and be all alone, relying on what all of us must always rely on the Lord. My testimony and love for my Savior has grown so much and brought me from total devastation to peace and comfort. I do not know if this journey will end how I want it to end, if this story will be a happy ending...but what I do know is that I love the Lord and know that with him all things are possible. I know that no matter the ending that I will always be comforted, loved and protected with him and that I have to have faith. Even if it is as small as a mustard seed at times, faith is what will get us through all things. I am so grateful for one more minute, one more hour, one more day I have with Eric and I will forever be indebted to the Lord for allowing me more time with him!

Day 65 from Bone Marrow Transplant..

Well today is day 65 since Eric's bone marrow transplant day! Eric had his chemo on Tuesday and it seemed to have knocked him down a few days and now he is starting to feel a little better- like most chemo he will start to just be feeling back to what he was then it's time to start chemo again on Tuesday. Eric's first treatment went well on Tuesday but by the evening he was extremely tired, had a really bad headache. He had to take pain medicine round the clock, the next morning on Wednesday woke up to a bad headache, nausea and vomiting but after a few days that subsided and back to feeling a little better. He still has the fatigue but that is expected with the bone marrow and additional fatigue with this EBV virus he has now.

Eric's counts are good his white cells are 5.8. hemoglobin 9.7, red cells 3.06 and his platelets went up for the first time in 2 weeks to 33 so that is good maybe this chemo Rituxan is already getting to those B cells and this EBV virus that was they believe making his platelets drop all the sudden the past 2 weeks. Eric is eating better 2 small meals a day which is good. They want him to increase to at least 4 liters of water to help his kidneys which has been hard to get him to do but we are working on it! We are still on track and hoping to get home for Christmas and Chelsea's 16th Birthday! We have alot of making up to do with the kids so we sure hope we can get home by Chelsea's Birthday- we have missed so much already.

We are getting excited for the kids to come down in a few weeks for the week of Thanksgiving! I can not believe it is already Thanksgiving! In my mind it is still summer we left down here to start this journey on May and I feel like we have lost time, days, holidays! Thank you so much to all of you who send your love in letters, cards, pictures, treats, gifts! We love to hear from everyone and Eric loves to hear the wonderful letters and words of encouragement. It really boosts his spirits and keeps him going.

The Lord is a constant power of strength for us and we know he is guiding our journey. We feel of his constant love and support as well as all of you and know that we will get through this! He never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it!

More Chemo...4 weeks!

Well we had a few things change and come up...Eric is needing 4 weeks of chemo called Rituxan. He has to get it starting today once a week, 8 hours each time for 4 weeks! We were extremely worried that this is a huge set back and his doctors assured us it is not. Eric's test results showed he has a virus called EBV in his B cells. I guess we all have this in us and can activate in our bodies at anytime. Due to Eric's immune system being baby cells and not strong yet, still weak with immune suppressed his body reactivated this and created the virus in his B cells. The only way to get to this virus before it gets worse and turns into more of a problem like another infection the only way is to use this chemo that will directly get to the B cells only. This chemo is usually used for Lymphoma Cancer but they assured us he does not now have this cancer as well it's just a virus they need to be aggressive with and take care of before it turns worse.

So that makes really long days for us! He already would be here from 6am until around 3pm but now we have to add to that once a week additional 8 hours on top of that since they can not run this chemo during his regular treatments and IV fluids. I was worried that this would be a set back and make us be here longer they said that if he responds well and continues to have no other issues then we are still on track to go home in December by Christmas! THANK GOODNESS! Eric was worried he would have the shakes/riggers again, vomiting/nausea, fevers like last time when he had this before last Christmas but he so far has done well on the first day of chemo today and we are about half way through it!

We continue to pray for his recovery and health, bless that the doctors will continue to be guided and directed by the Lord. We are so grateful to the Lord for so many blessings and know he is so aware of us and our journey. We are very thankful for his donor and continue to pray for him and his family and can not wait to meet him in person and share our gratitude. The Lord and his powerful teachings are what continues to get us through this and we know with faith all things are possible. Only a few weeks longer and the kids will be flying down for the week for Thanksgiving week/holiday- we are so excited! It will definitely be a very different Thanksgiving Holiday, one we have not experienced before so far away from home and away from everyone but we have so much to be thankful for and our hearts are full of love and gratitude.

We have meet so many friends down here, so many that are going through the same struggles and trials as we are. It is amazing to see all of us connect on a level that I have never seen before. All of us come from so many different faiths/ religion/ beliefs but yet all of us recognize and know the Lord is protecting us, providing us all strength and guiding all of our paths. Thy will, not our will. We rejoice in the days when we get to hear all the doctors and nurses come in and sing "Your Going Home" song to the patients when they are leaving to go home finally from their last appointments here. We all get tears in our eyes and cry along with the ones who are getting their song for them, with a little prayer in our hearts that they will continue to do well and that hopefully we will get to hear those words sung to us "Your Going Home". I don't think I have ever heard those words sound more sweeter and sung more beautiful than when you know it means the end of the hard journey that has brought all of us here, to fight for our lives back. I can not wait to hear those words, to hear that beautiful song and know it's the end of this journey and the start of our new transplant life as a family!

Day 60 from Transplant!!

Today is day 60 since Eric's bone marrow transplant date- YEAHH! Yesterday Eric's kidney levels were lower they went from 2.1 down to 1.6 which is good so they were able to give him his Ambizone. His blood counts are pretty good his white 5.4, red blood cells 3.32, hemoglobin 10.1 and his platelets are still dropping continually right at 37. We are worried a little about that due to he was having a consistent raise in them on their own without any transfusions. He would go up a little then drop a little but still always usually trending an upward direction with them getting into the 80's but now we have had about a week in a half that they have just been continually dropping.

The doctors say that they will watch it and maybe we will need to do another bone marrow biopsy earlier than planned before the 90 mark. Although they do recognize that the platelets are usually the last area to recover and sustain them selves the concern is that he should be higher and trending up with being that his donors marrow has fully engrafted in him and he is responding. A little worried about that but we are praying that things are alright and that they will start to come up again. Eric has been out of the hospital 4 1/2 weeks now and he has not needed one blood transfusion- THAT IS AWESOME! Most of the other patients have went in for transfusions by now and he was if you all remember transfusion dependent- that is the only thing that was keeping him alive-we were at the hospital back home every other day for blood and platelet transfusions.

I think the kids are getting ready for this to all be over by now and have us home. Austin the other day was going through family pictures and he was putting up a ton of him and his Dad's fun pictures of their yearly Father and Son NFL football trips they have went on and said how much he loves and misses his Dad and that he hates how long he has been gone and that this is going to go on forever! I feel bad for him but I told him only maybe a month and a half longer bud- we can do this! We have been here since AUGUST- WOW I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT! I never thought we would ever be away from our kids for 5 months almost 6 nor did I ever think we could do it! With the Lord's help we are and we are trying to get home safely with Eric and be a family again! We miss the kids so much and know they miss us but we know we can finish this part of our journey and be home soon again as a family.

I continue to pray and be thankful for Eric's donor, for his family and his sacrifice! He is an amazing person to have with unconditional love save Eric's life! I will always be so grateful to him and for his sacrifice and love! I hope he knows everyday that he breathes that another person across the world breathes as well because of him. Thanksgiving is coming up and although I have always had so much to be thankful for, so many blessings this year my heart is so full with gratitude and thankful for so many things. I am thankful to the Lord for always being there for me and my family, for the church promises and blessings we all have and for the tools the Lord has given us to guide us through this journey and our journey of life!

A unexpected day off from the Hospital..

Well today we have an unexpected day off from the hospital- just the home health nurse coming in and running all of Eric's medications, IV fluids,etc. from home with a pump. I wish I could say it's a good thing but really it is not. Eric's kidneys levels are extremely high and although they know it is from probably the medicine for his fungus infection and pneumonia it's a fine line they have to watch very carefully to not damage his kidneys. So they could not give him his Ambizone which is for his pneumonia and fungus infection that runs about 3 1/2 hours. The problem with this is that they are concerned about his lungs and the infection when they are unable to give him the medicine Ambizone it puts him at risk. His lungs sounded bad again a little bit the doctors said so they really need Eric to start using this breathing thing called a Spirometor to try to help his lungs.

I get worried about this cause I just don't want him to have his pneumonia or fungus infection get worse like what kept him in the hospital and then have him back in the hospital and worry about that! It these side problems that become big problems and can be the very thing you end up battling to survive! He also has a little bit of a rash on his back that they are watching and concerned about it might possibly be Graft Vs. Host Disease which we do not want. They said they will keep a close eye on it and we will see what happens with that!

As you can see we still really have a long road and battle ahead of us and the recovery process and right now is just so critical and anything can change from day to day. I guess that is why we are here so long because the first 100 days is the first crucial time and then the next year to two is such a process. I pray the Lord will continue to guide us through our journey and we will continue to have faith. I know we have more bumps in the road and that with the Lord all things are possible. We just had some bad news today about one of Eric's friends daughter getting a tumor and having to under go chemo now- it's sad to see other people have to go through trials and walk the same path but we know they will be protected and guided throughout their journey with love and support much like we have been blessed with! The Lord has in store a plan for all of us and we all have to remember that and know that it may not be the path or process we want to endure but we will be ok as long as we continue to have faith and love the Lord, he is always there for all of us!

Back with Eric in Texas...

I am back with Eric finally in Texas and he is doing good! It was so good to see him, I missed him so much! I think I had built up in my mind that he was doing better that when I first saw him I was taken back. I guess when you go for a few weeks and then you see him again it's like for some reason you forget what is going on. I thought he would maybe look a little better, more like Eric but he still looks so weak and skinny! Don't get me wrong he looks good and is improving I guess for a moment I forgot and so when I first saw him it was a shock- a step back in my mind that we are still fighting this and trying to get him back to the old healthy Eric!

I am posting a picture from today I think I have not posted a pic for a while and now some of you can see what I am talking about. He is so skinny , I mean I know he had a little extra weight to lose when he started the transplant from the year and half of being on prednisone/ steroids he was so bloated but he is about 15 pounds shy of his normal healthy weight. He says he can feel he has lost his muscles and strength in his legs and arms and so he wants to work on getting his muscle strength back. Still not really eating more than a few bites of food a day but at least he is drinking water and trying to eat. he says he just doesn't have any appetite, no taste buds, everything is bland, doesn't sound good.

Today his blood counts were good again he is 5.5 on his white cells, 3.36 red cells and hemoglobin 10.1, platelets 45. He has been out of the hospital for 3 1/2 weeks now and still has not needed a blood transfusion yet so that is AMAZING considering he went every other day in prior to his transplant for red blood and platlet transfusions. He was transfusion dependant that was the only thing keeping him alive! We are so thankful to his wonderful donor and think of him often. He has saved Eric's life, how do you ever repay someone for saving your life? I am not sure you ever can! What an selfless and amazing act of love and kindness! I keep thinking of him and his family and what a sacrifice he made to be a donor for nothing more than unconditional love! We will forever be grateful to his donor- I have said it before but he really did not just save Eric's life he SAVED OUR FAMILY!

There are so many good people in the world, so many good wonderful people have stepped forward and done such amazing acts of love and kindness to us throughout this trial.. It is so nice in today's world to see such amazing good people! We are so grateful and blessed and I will continue to strive to be a better person for all my blessings. I want to the Lord to know how grateful I am for allowing us more time with Eric, more memories, more love, more us!

Going Back to Texas to Eric!!

I really have not been very good at updating the blog while I was back home here working but I was so busy time always got away from me! With mixed emotions I am flying back this morning to Texas to Eric and I am so EXCITED TO SEE HIM! We have been married 17 years and we have only once been apart for 4 days- that was the longest so this 2 1/2 weeks has been so hard for us especially is his condition and needing me alot.

Mixed emotions about leaving I am so excited to see and be back with Eric but I also am sad to leave the kids! They have been so great and it has been good to be back and be a MOM again and not from a distance. That has been hard trying to be there for them and still be MOM even though states away and caring for Eric and his bone marrow transplant. I know the Lord has been protecting them and watching over them. I am so proud of them they both are doing so good despite how hard it is. I was telling them we are at the half way mark on the 100 days and how we really only have a month and a half if Dad does good and no set backs! I am so grateful to my 2 children, for being so responsible, mature and hardworking- they make us both so proud as parents and I know that they have grown stronger because of this!

Eric received some good news on Thursday when he meet with the Infectious Disease Doctors- his pneumonia and fungus infection is improving so after 3 1/2 weeks out of the hospital he can now have the weekends off with just the home health nurse doing his fluids and meds via IV and not have to go into the hospital now on the weekends. So now we just have to go in everyday Monday thru Friday 5 days a week instead of 7 days- YEAH!! Most patients by their 2 week are down to only 3 days a week so it has been hard mentally for Eric but he had a severe set back with his Level 4 complications and his pneumonia and fungus infection. He is doing good! Sometimes it' s hard Eric compares him to other patients/friends we have meet that had their transplant at the same time and most of them seem like they are doing better than Eric as far as less days coming in the hospital and shorter days. I told Eric though he needs to see how far he has came, just 3 1/2 weeks ago it was touch and go and he was literally at deaths door and now look at him. He is out of the hospital, starting to eat small amount of food, staying awake more in the days, walking around- he has been blessed!

For every person he sees doing better there are also reminders of someone who is not doing even as good as Eric and that is sad and hard as well. We have some friends from Louisiana that the guy had his transplant a few days after Eric and outpatient, he was doing pretty good, he is in his 40's and his wife went to the store for 20 minutes just to grab his medication and came back to the apartment and he was not breathing, unresponsive and had to be rushed by ambulance to the hospital and is now back in the hospital. I feel so bad for them and they could sure use all of our prayers please include them in your prayers!

I continue to be so amazed at the blessings and constant guidance from the Lord through out this difficult time in our lives. I know we are so blessed to have Eric responding and us getting through this somehow. It truly is a miracle from God and we cherish it, every minute! Again I want to thank all of you for all your love and support, prayers, for every act of kindness and good deed you have done for me and my family! I will never forget how AMAZING ALL OF YOU ARE and will live my life FOREVER TRYING TO BE JUST AS GOOD TO OTHERS! There have been so many people whom have done so much, I really could go on and on. Just know that we are very THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL TO ALL OF YOU!

I am so thankful as well for the Clark Family!! They have done so much for us and been there for us through so much! I know the Lord placed them in our lives because we needed them, we had no one and we needed that love and support! They feel like family and we love them so much! They have taken us in and cared for Eric while I had to leave for home to work and that made it so much easier for me to leave and focus on work so we can try to survive all this and pay for Eric's medical bills and medication! CLARK FAMILY YOU ARE AMAZING- THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU!

Well I better finish getting packed and a few last minute loads of laundry for the kids, etc done before I leave to the airport. I will get back to the daily posts- I PROMISE!

A day of expectations...BUSY WEEK

Sorry again on the delay between being here for work and working so much as well as the kids both have had big end of term projects I have been helping them on for school- it has been sure hard to update the blog and function! Alot going on! I am so glad to be home the past few weeks but it certainly has not been a break or to visit with the kids- I have had to work so much sometimes 8am til 8pm at night just trying to get to all my clients and see them before I go back to Texas Sunday.

It will be nice to get back to Eric and feeling like I didn't abandon him for work. I hate being away from him but at least he has been doing better and not as bad as he was when I left. He has been about the same this week with some days a little yucky and slower than others. His bloods counts and levels are pretty good. His white cells are 5.4, red cells 3.21 and hematocrit 10.3 and platelets 51. That is good, today is day 49 - one more day and we are at the half way mark for the 100 days! YEAH!!!

I am so proud of my kids, they have had to do so much on their own and be so responsible! I wished they did not have to go through this but I know they are stronger for it! I am very lucky to have 2 good responsible kids whom have handled it so well and been so good. It doesn't always work out that way.

Eric wants to get home so bad, he keeps trying to get the doctors to give him a firm date for December and they won't! They told him that it all depends on how he is doing then and it's to far away to give any dates! I feel sorry for the doctors cause he is not going to stop until he can get home! I love him so much and he has been through so much not only physically but emotionally! He is strong and I know the Lord continues to protect him and help him through this. At the end of the day all we can do is our best and seek council and guidance from the Lord. As long as we are doing that somehow everything will work itself out and be fine. I know these thoughts are what continue to get me as well as Eric and the kids through this!

There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are or what you should do? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice and how you handle things with grace and dignity? Will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up- what will you choose? We are choosing NOT TO GIVE UP and to try to face this trial with as much honor and dignity we can despite how hard and alone it is! Some may want to watch you fail and suffer but we know we will prevail with the Lord's help and love!

I can not say into to words how much the Lord has helped us and how grateful we are! Personally I have always had a strong relationship with the Lord but it has became so much more stronger. There have been hours, minutes, seconds where I felt we will not get through this and that we can not bear one more moment- then the Lord comforts me and has been there when no one else has and helped me get through the next second or hour! I have seen and watch what I feel most people do not get a chance in life to see very often ( I would hope most of us do not ever have to see that), I have had to watch my husband whom I love with all of me suffer and be brought to deaths door and fight and struggle so hard to come back. To as our good friend Matt Clark said "climb out of the depths of hell" he has been in and I could not ever wish that on anyone. No person should ever have to go through that but with that being said my faith in the Lord and my testimony has grown so much! My trust in the Lord and in the plan of salvation and the knowledge we all have of our faith and belief in the Lord has been the very thing that has brought me such peace and comfort!

I know I am not perfect and that I have so much more to learn and become better but what I do know is that I am trying to be like Him , like Jesus ( I am hearing the Primary song right now in my head)and I am trying to learn the lessons he has me and my family learning. I may not be the best person and the best Wife, Mom but I know that my heart is good and with good intentions and I would never hurt anyone and that as long as I allow the Lord in my heart and soul I will be fine!

Emotionally hard...

Today and the last few days have been emotional and hard days. A few things have happened that has made Eric and I hurt and sad. First of all Eric is doing as good as can be expected, each day about the same right now and trying to get stronger. His blood counts are good. His white cells are 4.6. Hematocrit 9.6, Red Cells 3.31 and platelets 53 all pretty good! He says that he feels ok he gets tired really easy but again that is expected he is still trying to recover and these first 100 days are so critical.

Eric has been doing pretty good with me being gone but I will glad when I get back to him next week. Emotionally we have been on roller coasters and some days are always better than others. We had a few comments placed on the blog that were very disturbing and disheartening and it left us a little taken back and upset. I do not understand how anyone can take someone personal struggle and trial and create a mean thing out of it. I just thought no one in the world could or would ever be so hurtful, rude and so insensitive. It is sad that people can not see this trial and struggle we are going through for what it is. A learning moment for all of us on how precious life is and how we should love and value people before we do not have anymore time with them!

I felt so bad when Eric saw and heard of the comments and what was going on. It seemed as if that sparkle he has had disappeared emotionally. He will rebound he is a strong and wonderful person who always is so positive. I have a little harder time I think with it. He has always been better at that kind of thing than I am. I am just so confused as to why some people would hurt us when we are going through so much already. We are good people who opened up all our private struggle, family and emotions to so many and it hurts to be taken advantage of. I keep telling myself that surely these people feel bad and will apologize but I hate to say I do not think they will as I just don't think they obviously know Eric and I nor care about our feelings.

Enough about all that! Eric and I have decided to just keep the blog going as it is protecting ourselves by making it so when some one comments we have to see it first and then we choose if it is appropriate or not, to accept it or not and then it will post. So please do not let all this ruin sending Eric comments, love and support- he loves hearing from everyone. It boosts his spirits and gives him hope and strength! We will continue to blog and hopefully the people who did what they did will leave us alone and not use such a personal trial to hurt anyone! Thanks again for all the love, prayers and support! As you can see we really need it!!!

****UPDATE- BLOG STILL WILL GO ON*****

I just found out that there is a way to still have our blog continue but protect it and make it private to only the ones we invite so that is what we are going to do so we can still share with people who do care about Eric and his progress. I am working on getting it set up this new way and I will be in contact with everyone whom we want to have on the blog. It will be a day or so but please continue to view the blog and watch for the updated privacy information. I will keep everyone posted- it's nice to know that there is a way around such bad people and the people who take advantage of our situation.

No more blog...:(

I am sad to say that in a world like we live in today we have people whom use good things like this blog to update people who love and care about Eric and his progress and use it as an avenue to post hurtful, rude and disheartening things. Due to the nature of these disturbing comments we need to close down and cancel the blog and have decided to not set up another one for our protection. I am so sad that a few people can take advantage of such a sensitive and heart felt thing and turn it into something so hurtful. Anyone who would like to continue to follow Eric and his progress and keep in contact we would love to hear from you, please contact us via email at barkertammie@yahoo.com. We appreciate all the constructive and positive comments and are sad to have this end, unfortunately some people take a good thing and ruin it.

Small steps towards a BIG GOAL!

Eric is doing a little better each day. His white cells were 5.9 , red cells 3.38 hematocrit 9.9 and his platelets 69!! That is great! He has started to eat more a little bit, not much but a little food which is better than ensure drinks. He still has not gained back any weight which he for sure needs to at least gain back 20 pounds to look better and healthier. Right now he is so skinny he looks frail and weak but I know once he can get back to eating a little better he will do just fine.

He earned a day off from going in to the hospital today! Well it wasn't really earned all that much, his creatinane level is high at 1.9 (kidneys) they said it is probably from one of the 4 antibiotics they are giving him so it makes his level go up and they don't want to give it to him today with his level so high due to the risk of damaging the kidneys so they told him to take today off but he has to have the home health care nurse come and run his other IV meds and fluids throughout the day at home (temp home anyways). He was glad to be able to sleep in this morning instead of up at 5am to go to the hospital. Nice break for him!

He seems to sound better every day I talk to him, more like my Eric sense of humor in all and not so weak. Some days I can hear it in his voice if he is not feeling well or tired but for the most part pretty good! It was Katy's Birthday the other day ( Katy Clark our good friends whom are caring for Eric right now while I am in Utah back home working for a few weeks)- Eric said it was so fun to see her excited for her Birthday and she got a American Girl doll she wanted, Eric said it made him think of the kids and feel good to be a part of life and celebrating!

The Lord we know is continuing to watch over us, we know we have years of being careful and possible things that can happen but we are so grateful to the Lord and Eric's donor that he is responding and doing better! Eric deserves this and so much more and I can not wait to meet his donor and thank him in person! Well I am off to work again for a long day but wanted to again tell everyone thank you for all the love, prayers and support!!

Day 42 since transplant...

Today is day 42 since Eric's transplant/ new Birthday on 9-9-09!! We are almost half way there as far as the 100 days goes that we need to stay in Houston,TX at MD Anderson. Eric is doing pretty good, every day a little more better. He has started to try to eat not eating alot but at least a little bit- no taste at all but they say that is normal.

I have been working so much that I have not had a chance to talk to him much and I miss that! We talk at least once a day sometimes if I am lucky and not in meetings twice a day but he goes to bed so early around 7pm-8pm that it's hard. As much as I am glad to be home it is not the same without Eric here and I can not wait to be all HOME AS A FAMILY! It is hard to try to keep your mind on working when it really is with Eric and his care. The Lord continues to bless us some each day a new opened door. We are very grateful and know he is guiding our path.

Eric's law enforcements friends/co-workers/sisterhood and brotherhood has been so amazing and touching to watch how much they love and support him! They really are like family and I am so in awe over their dedication, love and support!! I joked with Eric that they are all sick of getting his case load passed out to them, sick of his offenders and he laughed and said that when he gets back he will take on as many as their hard offenders they want him to as long as he is back to work doing the job he LOVES!! He really misses it- I have never seen someone who is always so happy to go to work like he has always been. It is second nature for him and he loves it! I can't wait for the day I get to his the BIG SMILE on his face when he gets to go back and see all his friends/co-workers!

Again I know I probably sound ridiculous but I am so grateful to Eric's donor!! He has no idea how much we love him and are so eternally grateful to him! He didn't get paid anything to be a donor, he did this out of his gracious heart! I can not wait to meet him!! We have to wait 2 years to meet due to the rules from the National Bone Marrow Association. At first I did not understand that rule but they explained that these donors go through so much, they have to go through counseling and make sure they are not only physically able and willing but emotionally as well. They say they have found that these donors feel a tremendous responsibility to "SAVE THE PERSON THEY ARE DONATING TO LIVES! Your risk and not making it within 2 years after your transplant is high and therefore to protect the donor who already is wanting you to survive and gets updates from the National Donor staff about your progress, they don't want that pressure added by meeting the family and the one whom you donated to add to their emotions. I now see their point and see how that makes sense. We will never be able to thank Eric's donor enough and even if Eric did not end up surviving all this ( BUT I KNOW HE WILL! :)- his donor is AMAZING the unconditional love he has displayed is a true form of what the Lord would have us do!!

I am so proud of Eric and what a fighter he is! He really is my hero as well as the kids and the more I see how much he has to go through just to be alive, it really makes me never want to complain about anything! We are witnessing a modern day miracle and blessing from the Lord and I know Eric and our family realizes this and will never stop being so grateful!!! We have always treated each day as a gift but the more and more days we get will always be so treasured!

Progress each day..

I am sorry for no update yesterday, I am so busy working right now and then being with the kids is has been hard to find the time! Eric had a good day yesterday, he told me he even ate a few bites of some chicken for dinner and was able to eat a taco for lunch- GREAT NEWS!! Eric says he feels so much better, more energy just from eating a little bit so even though it's bland and he has no taste buds he will try to eat a little for some energy.

Eric sounds great on the phone more and more like himself! He doesn't sound as groggy and tired,not so out of it. He tells me when I get back he thinks I will be so surprised on how much better he is doing from when I had to leave. How much more energy he has and strength as well as not sleeping all the time- a little more awake in the days. That is GREAT!! I am so proud of him, he has been through so much! He is the strongest person I know and such an inspiration to me!! He has such a stronger testimony, we have been reading the Book Of Mormon together ( he has passed me since I have been home). He told me do you know how blessed we have been? He is right we have been blessed and we are so thankful!!

So many people have stepped up and helped us in so many ways- we will NEVER be able to thank ALL OF YOU ENOUGH! We are grateful we have so much love and support, it is hard when you don't have that, it really makes a difference. I want so much to go to church today but the doctors have told me to not go due to I am Eric's care giver and there are so many cases of the swine flu right now. I can not even get my kids the swine flu shot due to I can not be by anyone who has the vaccines for 4 weeks after they are vaccinated. The risk is extremely dangerous for Eric his immune system is not strong enough for any sickness no matter how small so extra precautions we have to take. I can not even be by babies, toddlers or infants getting their vaccinations as the same concerns apply. That is hard!

Eric's counts today are great his white cell count adjusts from the mid 4.5 to 5.9 and that is fine the doctor's say- today his white cells count is 4.9. His red cells are 3.35 and hematocrit 9.7 which is great! His platelets are 80!! I can not believe those numbers as again he has not been this good for years as far as his blood counts! I am so thankful that so far his body is accepting his donor's marrow and that he is feeling a little better more and more each day! We are so grateful to the Lord and know he has provided a modern day miracle!

The kids seem so much more happier, Chelsea smiling and laughing - we have missed that! Austin so happy, smiling and wanting to be with me so much! They are really the BEST KIDS EVER ( I am just a little biased!HAHA) They really have made us so proud of them how they are handling themselves and getting through all this. You expect to see big problems when something like this happens to a family but we know the Lord is protecting them and watching over them as we have so much prayed for! In the book "The Last Lecture" - Randy talks about his cancer and how he is dealing with it and his family. He had a theory that I think is so true- that life builds these brick walls up, not to stop us but to see how much we want something and how hard we will work to climb that brick wall to get over it! ( apologize it is not word for word how he said it- I am just going from memory) I agree - we have had alot of brick walls thrown up over the years in regards to Eric's health, some taller than others! This one the tallest of course but we are climbing up that wall, trying to do it with as much humility and love as we can and I know we might be half way up that wall but we will get over it! Of course as we all know we will have more brick walls through out the rest of our lives but I can not think of anyone more I would rather be climbing the walls with then the Lord, my husband Eric, my children Chelsea and Austin!!

Doing good...ATE SOMETHING!!

Eric is doing good, he actually ate some chicken noodle soup and a cookie!! YEAH!!!! This is the first meal and food since he was in the hospital. His tastes are gone right now so he really couldn't taste anything which the doctors said is normal. Taste are gone for a while in bone marrow transplant patients. Eric's doctors said he is doing good, we will just keep up with what we are doing.

Eric goes in at 6am, some days he is done by 1:30pm and some 3:30pm it just depends what he needs and what is going on. His white cells are 5.9 today red cells 3.38 and his platelets are 79!! WOW!! He has not been this high in years! Eric has not had a blood transfusion for a week now which is pretty amazing considering he has been transfusion dependent for years and was going in every other day for transfusions back home before his transplant.

I am in awe and so amazed by the Lord providing us blessings through all of this and knowing every next step and what we need and placing someone or something on our lives for each obstacle we face. I think alot about Eric's donor, I hope he is doing well recovered and back to his normal life. I wish we could meet him sooner but we have to wait 2 years. How amazing it must be to know you literally saved some one's life, someone whom you have never met. Unconditional love!! That is true Christ like love and we will be forever grateful to him!

I am pretty busy working everyday right now, as soon I landed a few hours later I was at a Seminar and then meeting with clients and working so much. I feel bad I really have not been able to see the kids much since I am working so much but I am glad just to be home. I love when they walk in the door and are so excited to share their day with me! I miss it and I love being a Mom for those moments!! I am so proud of them!! They have alot going on in their lives and they still manage it all even with all this going on and I appreciate that from them! They are very mature and special children whom I am blessed to have them and raise them. I am honored to be their mother and I hope they know how much we love them every day and can't wait to have Daddy and I back home and be a family again! We miss the family football games, dinner, hanging out, golfing and boating- we will get that back I promise!

I miss Eric so much- he doesn't have much energy to talk on the phone and it's hard for him to concentrate. I miss talking to him and helping him with what ever he needs but we are so blessed to have our good friends Matt and Jodie Clark caring for him, it brings me such peace and I do not know how I will ever be able to express how much I love them and appreciate all they do for us! They are amazing and we feel like they are family, the Lord placed them in our lives and I know we are getting far more out of our relationship then they are but I just can't say enough about them! Jodie Clark told me that she feels blessed to be able to be here for us and repay back some of the blessings her and Matt had from when she went through her bone marrow transplant. She said the neat thing for her is that Matt and her will know what we need before Eric and I know it because they have been through it, that is so true!

Like the scriptures say " Doubt not, fear not" When we have no hope, everything seems so hard and impossible and we feel so alone it is in those moments that it is a true test of faith and unknown to despite the odds to go forward and trust that the Lord will provide a way and that even though it seems impossible he will open a door and help us through our trials. Like in the scriptures when our ancestors so many times had their faith tested, our ancestors who left all they had and packed up their families and headed to where the Lord told them to go. Some losing their children, fathers, mothers, even their whole family along the way not because they were promised some material thing or a perfect world on the other side, they left all they had because they had faith in the Lord. We complain in our daily lives and take things for granted so much but have we really sat down and counted all our blessings? I know Eric and I have been there and realize how blessed we are. I have so much I need to do to become a better person, a better daughter of God but I do know that the Lord loves me and my family and it is with that knowledge and faith that I continue to know we will be okay. I know we will have more obstacles and trials but I know he will carry us through.

Great News!!! :)

I am sorry for no update yesterday we had alot going on and a busy day. I had to fly home to Utah yesterday for work, I am self employed insurance broker and my busy season is starting up and I have meetings, seminars to do, clients I need to meet with for their annual review. It's hard to leave Eric but if I do not come home and get some of this done, we are already struggling to keep a float so things would be much worse.

Our friends in Texas Matt and Jodie Clark are with Eric and I appreciate them so much. They have made it so I can come home for a few weeks for work and know he is cared for and okay. Eric has to have a care giver 100% of the time with him. I always want to thank everyone one in the Baybrook Ward for all the rides to and from the hospital daily that everyone has done for Eric while I am gone. It is amazing the unconditional love everyone has! We are blessed to have such wonderful , caring and loving people that the Lord has placed in our lives. It reminds me of General Conference and how several talks were on serving others and treating others how you would treat the Lord and how we will be blessed and held accountable for this. You all will be truly blessed!

I titled this blog Great News and I am sure a few of you are thinking so far as you read this.."What is the great news?" Well my flight home to Utah is a 3 hour flight and prior to leaving a week ago right before they discharged Eric to outpatient he had a bone marrow biopsy. We kept asking daily for the results and they said they were not back yet they were finishing all of the blood smears and the pathologist still was reviewing the results. Well as soon as I landed to Utah off my flight I picked up my bags and was waiting for my ride at the airport. I was getting ready to call Eric to check on him at the hospital for his all day outpatient treatment to see how he was feeling, what his CBC blood counts were,etc.

I notice I had a voicemail, it was a message from Eric. He had called about an hour into my flight. My heart raced and was immediately worried that something was wrong for him to call during my flight as I had told him I would call him once I landed. The message I was about to hear was something I could not prepared for.... Here was Eric's exact words, crying so hard, sometimes barley being able to get all the words out-having to repeat himself due to crying so hard. This is what he said word for word: " Hey babe- it's Eric, how are you? I just wanted to call you I know you are on the airplane but we got some good news. They said they got the bone marrow biopsy results back, I am 100 % grafted and that it has a 99% success rate. SO it looks really good, I think we did the right thing- I think we finally got some good news... I love you and I just wanted to tell you that I think it's going to be fine and we are going to get through this! The Doctor's are really happy with it and just came in a few minutes ago with all the results and told me, they are really happy with it and said that this is really GOOD NEWS- they said to tell your Wife this is reason to CELEBRATE and they couldn't be more pleased with the results!" " Just give me a call when you get off the plane- I love you!"

I immediately starting crying and said a prayer right then thanking the Lord for his help and miracles, we are so grateful!!! I can not tel you how much those words meant to me, to us as a family and Eric! I know we still need to get rid of this pneumonia and fungus infection, get Eric better and back on the road to recovery, stronger and no illness, colds, flu's infections or Graft Vs. Host but this what news is what we have been praying for and needed to hear so desperately! I am so thankful to the Lord and for all our blessings and for everything that so many of you have done for us, we feel your love and support and know the power of prayer. Thank you so much!