Waiting for you, Praying for you..Please come home

It has been a very hard past few days. We had Chelsea's surprise 16th Birthday Party and that was alot of work to pull off but it was good. It was bitter sweet and was very hard to get through. Chelsea and her Dad crying, I was crying alot of feelings and worry kept surrounding us that maybe this was the last Birthday Eric would be at. You try not to think that way but with emotions running so high, the recent news it has been hard to be focused.

I wanted to share something that Chelsea gave her Dad. I wish I could put the actual song on for you to hear it in person. It is so beautiful and sad all at the same time. She gave her Dad this song and told us that she listens to it alot and before she knew we would be coming home before Christmas she was going to send this song down to Texas to him. When Eric and I heard it we all just started crying so hard, it really seems to fit us and how we feel right now. Here are the words:

A photograph, a blanket, some mistletoe, confetti snow
An Angel to put on a tree
Santa Clause in crayon to make you smile today-
While your so far away

So I'm sending you a little Christmas wrapped up with love
A little piece, a little light to remind you of
I'm waiting for you, praying for you Daddy
I wanted you to see
So I'm sending you a little Christmas until you come home to me.

Some gingerbread, a candy cane, a stocking I made with your name on it
I filled it with your favorite things
A way to say I love you
Like Kisses through the air
Hoping you'll feel me there

So I'm sending you a little Christmas wrapped up with love
A little piece, a little light to remind you of
I'm waiting for you, praying for you Daddy
I wanted you to see
So I'm sending you a little Christmas until you come home to me.

Home into these arms of mine
Home where you belong
Please Daddy Come Home to me

It is hard to see her so upset and longing for it all to be ok. I think this is the hardest part for me, not only do I have to watch the man I love suffer but also my two children. I have to sit and watch and I can not fix it for any of them. I want to be strong, I am trying to be strong but some days are harder than others. I worry "What if ?" " How will we do it?"
I usually love the holidays and Christmas is my favorite usually.
I love to decorate but I have not desire to do it this year.

If you look at my home there is no Christmas lights on, no decorations on the porch, no tree
Nothing I just don't feel like it's the Holidays, I don't even have the energy to do it.
I think a part of me is afraid, afraid if I put up the tree, put up all the decorations
What if this is our last Christmas together, almost as if I can stop Christmas from coming but I know I can't.

I know some of you are all probably saying right now, what is wrong with her?
She needs to be positive, she needs to have faith. I do have faith and I am positive but sometimes you just need to be able to vent how you feel, forget about being strong for everyone and just be selfish for a brief moment and try to embrace and process what you feel inside without worrying about being strong for Eric, strong for the kids. I just need to fall apart for a few days and I will pull it all back together, I am just so tired of being the one who needs to be strong.
I have had to be the Mom, Be the Dad, work and try to pay some of the mounting medical bills, clean the house, care for Eric and on top of all that pretend that it's all okay.
I was told "If you guys need to do the transplant again, that is what you will do. You guys will just dig deep and do it!"

I feel like we have dug deep, deeper than we have ever dug before. I feel like we have reached farther than we have ever done, had walked the path that seemed to be laid down before us with unknown faith, that faith of a mustard seed. I know the Lord is guiding us and will provide us strength but I think I guess I am just tired. Listen to me, I think I am tired. What about Eric, how tired do you think he is? Selfish moment, selfish thought. I think I will get to sleep now I have a long day tomorrow.