New Year...New Hopes!

Well I am so glad to see it's a start of a New Year! We are so hoping and praying for a better year this year, one with less worries and health concerns, one were we can hopefully start to get back a little bit to normal. Eric had a decline a little again on his white cells he went to 2.5 and his absolute neutrophils only at a 1.7 (not good- they never want it lower than 2.4). So more Nuepogen shots in his stomach again for 5 days in a row.

We have our own little hospital station pretty much set up in the family room, IV pole, IV fluids, shots/needles, syringes, alcohol pads, masks, gloves, heparin and saline, etc. I never wanted to be a nurse but I definitely think I could pass as one now for sure! Eric's energy has been ok, a little low probably from his blood counts. It has been a little nice to get the kids back to school this week so Eric can make sure to rest and get a nap in during the day. He had missed them so much and wanted to be with them every second he could when they were home on Christmas break that he would never allow himself a chance to rest! I am so proud of the kids they have handled all this stress and their Dad's health so well, you know you worry about them in situations like this- how they will hold up but I am proud of both of them!

They have had to grow up faster than most kids their age due to the situation and I could not be more prouder of them! I am so thankful to the Lord for the constant blessings and watching over them while I was gone along with the help of so many others whom I am so grateful for! We know of our Fathers in Heavens love for us and that he has used many of you as his tools to guide and help us! We miss the Clark Family sooooooo much! They are amazing, wonderful people whom have taught me so much about sacrifice and unconditional love! The Lord has so much in store for them I am sure and I am blessed to have been part of their lives!

With the New Year comes all of our new years resolutions and goals! Some practical, some silly and ridiculous and some very important and real! This year I have found myself giving up on the more silly ones like losing weight and making more important eternal goals that I know I need! I want to be a better wife, a better mom, a better daughter of our heavenly father so I may return to him again with honor- my head held high. I will strive to not only be those things but the little steps to get to those bigger goals. Read my scriptures daily with my family ( I have been able to set a pattern for reading myself but need to be better as a family), daily family prayer even on those rushed bad days ( there is something to be said for kneeling down as a family and praying to our Father in Heaven), paying a honest tithing, going to the temple, be an better eternal family and serving others! So many have served us during the past months that I want to pay that forward, I want to make a difference in peoples lives like people have done to us!

Going through this life and death health situation and trial that we have been and continue to experience opens yours eyes in a way that I don't think anyone unless they go through it themselves can relate or understand. You learn alot of people, who really loves you and who doesn't, who your family and friends really are, some exceed your wildest expectations and some fall short and disappoint you but you learn what and who really matters. Like the song says you get a chance, "Someday I hope you get the chance..to live like you are dying". It is so true, living in the moment, catching every breath someone takes, taking pictures in your heart for those eternal memories that no matter what NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY FROM YOU!

We may have had to lose a little, give up some relationships but also gained some new relationships but we have a SECOND CHANCE! Some people never know that feeling and although this has been easily the HARDEST TRIAL I think we have ever had to endure I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me this trial to learn and grow from, to make me realize my true strength and know there are no limits! All things are possible with the gospel and the Lord in our lives! I know this, I always have I guess I just needed to be reminded! There have been moments where I pleaded with the Lord, harder than I thought would ever be possible to just take all of this away, that I had learned whatever he wanted me to learn already and I could not do it anymore... Guess what? The Lord didn't agree and take it all away, he just put his arms around me, allowed me to cry and listened and comforted me and gave me strength to get through the next step. That is all we can do, pray for strength to get to the next day, hour sometimes even next seconds. He has always been there and always will be!

I know so many of you would have probably handled yourselves so much better than us, walked in this trial with probably so much more confidence and grace but I do know we are trying to handle this with the most dignity and grace that we can. I am so grateful to be Eric's wife, I am honored to have him as my eternal companion. My family as always said that Eric and I have a fairy tale marriage, love story, one that they have always admired and they are right! Most of us dream of a man as great as Eric and I am so grateful to him and will forever spend the rest of my life trying to be half the person he is!