Recent Reflections...

Today I find myself reflecting alot lately on several blessings and things that I am so grateful for. The obvious recent trial that if you can believe it or not I am so thankful for...I am thankful for the Lord blessing Eric with more time, better health, a donor whom had unconditional love and saved his life. Recently though I have been reflecting on the hardest past year of my life and what I have gained and lost throughout this trial. One hopes and prays that when and if you have to face such a trial as we have had to that you would have overwhelming love and support... we have had that but we have also lost some relationships throughout this trial that have been extremely hard especially for me. I have lost alot but in turn have gained alot of love and support from new relationships, new bonds for which I am eternally grateful.

I think the hardest part of losing or not having support is the hurt you feel from it and most of all the void in your life but with that being said it has truly caused me to reflect on the Mom and person I am for my children and how I would do anything for them. I would never want them to feel or go through what I have had to endure the past year when you are already suffering and going through so much more pain trying to fight for your husband's life and save him, leaving your children back home feeling like you have abandoned them when you are just trying to save your husbands life and have more time as a family. I love to read the Ensign and I am looking forward to conference coming up in a few weeks, it seems like I always need to be spiritually feed when conference comes around.

There is several articles from the Ensign this month that I love... one that caused me to reflect the most was "What Mothers Can Learn from the Savior" by Amy Morgan. It talks about simple ways that we can be good mothers and draw guidance and support from the Lord. I don't know about alot of you mothers out there but I always feel and know I can do better, I want to be better for my two children. I want them to know that no matter what happens in life, what challenges and decisions they make I will always be there to support and love them, I will always be there to listen to them, guide them and sometimes just let them cry on my shoulder with no real way that I can fix what is hurting them but I am just there to love and listen to them. It gives several points like: Spend time with our children, Pray for our children, Help Our Children Love the Sabbath, Teach faith in Heavenly Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ, Make Time for Teaching and Learning, Remember a Mother's Calling... the one that struck me the most though was Quiet Your Fears with Faith in the Lord.... I can not tell you how much that speaks to my heart! I countless times would pray and ask the Lord " What if this is Eric's time to go and I am left to raise my two beautiful children on my own....Lord I don't think I can do it on my own, I will mess everything up without Eric's help" I would always get a peaceful feeling and thoughts would stream through my head as if the Lord was directly telling me " You are not alone, you can and will get through this, have faith and I will provide you the strength for whatever comes your way" I know that is so true... I would never get answers right away, things wouldn't just magically get better, we still have to go through the trial, I still had to watch my husband at the brinks of death fight his way back step by step until he could walk again but I learned so much about love, strength, life, faith and sometimes just knowing that I couldn't fix this, I can't take this away from my kids, ,from Eric or even from myself but what I can do- is as we all have heard try to find "Joy In the Journey" ..that's not easy when you are watching your eternal companion and children suffer so much. The key is to endure it well...

I will end this somewhat weird blog posting (sorry the Ensign really hit me) with a quote that I think says it all by President Boyd K. Packer " If you are helpless, he is not. If you are lost, he is not. If you don't know what to do next, he knows. It would take a miracle, you say? Well, if it takes a miracle, why not? " I have seen my miracle, I have seen alot of them and I am humbled and grateful. Most of us as mothers know this feeling and I know with the Lord all things are possible. I am so grateful to my two wonderful children whom make Eric and I so proud, we are blessed to be able to be trusted with them from the Lord and I will always strive to be a better mother for them. I love you Chelsea and Austin... it has been the hardest year but I am so proud of who you are and the love and faith you have! I am honored to be your mother!!!